The moment a friend calls, messages or arranges to see you and then goes on to present you with that grainy black and white blurry image, the first picture of their soon-to-be bundle of joy. Oh it is lovely, heart warming and exciting isn’t it?
That is, unless, you are on the trying to conceive journey yourself.
Then your heart starts to sink, your throat starts to tighten and the corners of your eyes to start prick. Your head is going into overdrive, trying to calm yourself down, present a strong front, don’t cave, be a grown up.
Then it is just straight painful, in more ways than one.
First, there is the selfish kick that takes over you, the jealousy that they got the thing that you want the most. Their hopes and dreams had been answered, but yours haven’t. This feeling is almost overpowering as it engulfs you that the thing that you have been hoping, trying and praying for has come to someone else.
Secondly, you feel like a horrible person as instead of being excited for your friend and loved one you have jumped straight to thinking about yourself. When actually, you are very happy for your friend, that they have now got the chance to embark on such fantastic journey and welcome a new little person into their lives.
You want to go through this journey with them and enjoy each minute. You want to look at little socks and scratch mitts with them without breaking down inside wishing it was you and not them. So what do you do? Do you tell them? Do you bottle it up inside? I suppose the answers to these totally depend on who the person is to you.
The alternative is of course, when it isn’t a grainy blurry photo but instead a teary phone call or a white face at the door asking for help and advice. Then of course, you really do have to pull yourself together and support your friend through their feelings and decisions, because right now what you want and what you think doesn’t matter. That’s the way it should be, because as painful as it is for you talking about this; getting pregnant is a personal thing and you can’t pin your hopes, dreams and feelings on other people’s experiences.
Anyway, the reason I wanted to write this post is just to show that you are not alone and it is totally normal to feel these things. When you are trying for your own child, no matter how long you have been trying, it is always difficult to deal with the totally messed up mash of emotions when a friend or family member tells you that they are expecting. The best way I have found of coping in these situations is to let myself wallow for a small period of time, assuming that the person hasn’t told me face to face I can have five minutes to cry it out, or sulk like a proper grown up. If the husband is feeling particularly loving I might get a hug and a consoling pat, as a Yorkshire man that’s about as effusive as he gets. Then I log onto Mumsnet or Babycentre and talk to some of the longterm groups I am on, or just have a nosy at other people’s posts and stories and this helps me feel a bit more normal, reminds me that other people feel like this. Then I focus on the positive, my friend/family member is soon going to be welcoming a squishy little bundle that I can coo over and spoil.