What’s happened to me?

where can i order accutane online I’ve been trying to write a post for over a week now. Having loads of ideas about the books I’ve been reading, the funny things that no one tells you about pregnancy, doing my best not to have a massive political rant etc etc. But it’s just not been coming, I can’t get the words out and I think I finally know why. I can’t seem to find myself and my voice because I don’t know what’s happening to me, as in my mental health “me”.

http://arthurproductions.com.au/shows/cut-snake/gallery/ Pregnancy Mental Health

http://apacheip.com/xmlrpc.php?rsd I’m finding each day a chore, struggling to put a smile on and enjoy things I normally love. Struggling to find interest in my work or hobbies. Struggling to properly interact with people without having to put a fake face on. Now that the secrets out of the bag I’ve had so many friends and well wishers getting excited for me and wanting to share in my joy, but the thing is I can’t find the joy? I can’t seem to find the excitement? Where is it…?

I have worried that maybe I’m getting a bit depressed, I’ve had depression in the past and working with teenagers all day I definitely know the markers. But I don’t think it’s quite that bad yet, I’m just not me and I really want to know why and get back to it. I want this pregnancy with every fibre of my being, I want to be excited and coo and squeal and stare longingly at miniature sleepsuits. I want to check my 9 pregnancy apps every day to see what if anything has changed. But I’m just not.

A few people that I’ve confided in have been really helpful and reassuring. My husband is fantastic, looking after me despite being exhausted and stressed himself; letting me sit quietly when I need to, encouraging me to sleep properly, making me laugh and distracting me when he can see it’s getting too much. My very northern best friend has given me the “be reet” chat and helped to cheer me up and distract me with the oddities of house sharing and a new relationship. My mum friends have reassured me that this is normal, just to remember the insane amount of changes going on not only in my body but the baby’s too. Not to mention the many many hormones pinging their way around my body, it’s bound to have an effect. And then there’s my friends who haven’t understood why I’ve been hiding in the house hugging hot water bottles and avoiding all contact. The ones who ignore my apologies and don’t even bother replying, that hurts and then sends me right back to feeling not “me” again.

So what to do now?

I’m determined I’m not going to let this feeing overwhelm me, I’m going to make myself do the day to day things. Try and smile and take joy in the stupid and inane things that cross my desk each day. Try and look at the baby books and apps, get excited about names and size of the baby and of fingers and toes (I’ve got a kiwi sized little one right now).

I’m also doing my best not to let the negative things cause more problems; the friends who don’t reply, the things that go wrong at work, money worries or stress, just anything. Water off a ducks back – that’s my goal!

Anyway. I think I’ve now got these rants/thoughts out of my system. Hopefully. I know the feeling isn’t going to go away just because I will it, but I’m stubborn and I’m not going to give in. I also know where my line is and I know when I need to ask for help – luckily for me I have a fantastic support network.

If you’ve read this to the end, thanks for sticking with me and if you’re feeling this way yourself – please talk to someone and don’t try and struggle on alone!

Lucy At Home
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Fat Activism and Me?

Recently I have started to think more and more about Fat Activism, what it means and how I relate to it. Obviously with a nickname like The Fat Girl and a blog about my life as a plus size woman, it may seem a bit stupid that I hadn’t really thought about this properly a lot sooner. I think that’s because I never really associated my feelings and attempt to build my own self confidence with those who put themselves out there to loudly defend bodies of all shape and size. Maybe that makes me part of the problem, maybe it doesn’t – I honestly don’t know.

Fat Activism and Me?

Becoming more active on twitter and following some fantastic men and women who are amazing people and also Fat Activists. Seeing their daily fights and arguments against those who judge people based on their size or shape. Reading their posts, that were articulately written, make brilliant and important points it became impossible to ignore my role in all of this, where did I stand? What is all of this? What do I have to say?

To be honest when I was prompted on this and I started to think about this I had to google it! I read articles in the media, on Wikipedia, blog posts, parenting sites – you name it! I read from lots of different points of view, being the good student that I am, I had to make sure that I had been properly exposed. All of this did lead to a specific conversation which helped me to really asses and voice my feelings, thoughts and opinions.

So, here it is!

I think fat activism is a big concept, it means a lot of things to a lot of different people and cannot necessarily be explained in a single sentence. But if you were to try it would be something along the lines of –

Everyone should be accepted for who they are, regardless of their size and essentially it is none of your business.

I’m sure people will be along to pick that line apart and tell me how I am wrong – I am more than happy for someone who means well to inform and educate me. But if you want to shame me, tell me off or have a go at me keep moving!

To me, in my little world, this is not necessarily something that I get involved in as much as I should. I realised that my little corner of fat activism is mainly centred around myself and how I cope in my little bubble. That’s not to say I sit back and ignore things, more that I’m quietly building my own confidence and ability to love myself. For example, I’ve started wearing clothes that make me happy but aren’t focussed on slimming me down. I’ve also started to love myself in random ways – like nice pretty bras, learning more about makeup that I enjoy, doing things I enjoy and not things I think should be doing because I’m plus size.

My main difficulty comes in my work environment, working in education there are the inevitable comments from teenagers. These hurt sometimes, no matter how thick-skinned you are. There also comes the inevitable office obsession with dieting, exercise, new years resolutions and self-hatred. Sitting in the office listening to them slagging off certain numbers on a scale or a label without thinking about what they are saying really gets me down. But if I am being honest I do tend to sit on my hands and keep my mouth shut, as the only plus size person in the office I’m scared that they will judge my size and not my words.

That is wrong, so wrong. To be afraid to voice an opinion because it may be ignored and judged on something totally irrelevant – oh wait that happens the world over. Gender. Sexuality. Race. Age. Size. Why are these things more important than what the person of whatever combination is saying?

If I am honest I do need to start being more active, stop being scared and start voicing the rants and arguments in my head. Not to be combative, more that if I don’t how can I expect any change to happen in my little world? The people I spend my daily life with aren’t spontaneously going to change their minds and opinions without any input or information.

I’m not going to go into the individual points of looking at fat acceptance as I think The Militant Baker, Jes Baker, has said it so much better here.

Instead what I am going to do is say that one thing that disappointed me when reading up on all of this, was the level of angry back biting and fighting “within” the fat activism/fat acceptance movement. This made me quite sad, not because I thought their arguments were invalid, or that its wrong to have disagreements. But because this type of childish finger-pointing and judging, belittling each other and hitting each other personally takes the attention away from the overall idea. This allows the bullies and trolls to grab hold of this and belittle the movement.

I’m going to keep working on this personally, what I think and feel and what my opinions are. Encouraging myself and others to stand up for what they believe in, but also to think about those around them and if they really have any right to comment on some things.

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New Years Resolutions

I don’t normally make New Years Resolutions as I know that they will be out of the window by midday on the 3rd January, maybe the 5th if I am feeling saintly…

But this year I have decided to make a change for several reasons, so my resolutions are –

  1. To change my eating habits; my goal is to lose weight to become more comfortable with my body, not because I am too fat and unhappy. I have joined Slimmng World where I will be changing how I eat, not cutting out and becoming a coconut water addict, but focussing on eating healthier and better foods for me.
  2. I am aiming to become more active, walk the dogs a little bit further and start using my dusty treadmill a little more often.
  3. To make more of an effort to get up off the sofa and spend quality time with my husband, get out and enjoy our lives.

These resolutions encompass a lot more details but basically they all add up to becoming more comfortable in myself and happier in my life.

Ok enough corny, i’m off to move the celebrations so that they stop calling to me…

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